Sunday, August 28, 2011

:(

i think i hate nursing school. 


update: maybe i just hate it most of the time. 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

sometimes...

i look at all of my nursing books...
             .......and then i just sit there.


i have no idea where to start or what to pick up first. 




All the glory goes to God; 'cause this girl has NO clue what she is doing. 
                                                               ... and i think i'm okay with that.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

hello there again, mr. blog :)

Well, it's been far too long since i have done this. Blogging over the summer was just impossible. I didn't want to spend my weekends blogging. I'd rather spend time with friends, catch up with people here and there, reside in God's Word, or mostly SLEEP. My summer was the best I've ever had. I'll never regret the time I spent at SWO. I'm sure i'll share bits and pieces here and there. I wish that I could sit down and write one big gigantic post, and i guess it could happen within the next month or so. but so much happened and i don't really even know how to describe it. 


I loved working with all of the girls this summer. It was a lot of fun and exciting to talk about the Gospel so much. It was exciting just to be in that setting. I didn't feel like I had time to talk about much else so there was never the issue of, "we'll just talk about it later." I had a week with these precious girls. Out of nine weeks, i only have one that was REALLY hard. It was just a week of struggling with the Lord over a lot of different things. I think that I was tired myself, but I really just struggled with the leadership that brought the girls. That's just hard in general. Its tough when you knew they were going home...but knew that they weren't going home to sound doctrine or teaching. I loved the time that I had with the girls though. 
I'm excited about staying in touch with some campers though. Some are easier than others. Most of the churches I worked with are in GA. I asked for that so that I could try and visit them. It was just a good summer. I can't wait for next summer, if that is where the Lord has me. It may even be where He has my parents as well :) That will be something awesome. 


Well, Adam was right when he told the "old jessica" goodbye. The Lord has changed me even more. I keep seeing differences. I was also wrong when i told him, "no lifelong friends." I cherish and thank God for the other staff members. It was a wonderful summer of REAL relationships. I learned a ton from the sermons that were presented and the full time staff. It was a summer of intense discipleship.
I miss my swo family a lot. but they are all over the place. 


I started nursing school once again. Semester 2 of 4. I struggled with this. I left SWO wondering if nursing was even for me. I've gotten to where I am trusting in Him. Whether this works out or not, I know that my God is sufficient. I know that there are other things that I could do. I don't know....it's not that i don't WANT my nursing degree. and it's not that i don't still love it. It's just that it's not a NEED. I don't need to be a nurse to glorify my Father. I'm trusting in His guidance. The semester started off well. I know it's going to be harder. I'll be taking pharmacology, OB, and psych. I've heard that pharm and ob are pretty stinking hard. I'm a little frustrated at the moment at how foggy my picture of this semester is. there is a lot to do, study, turn in, etc and i don't feel like it was laid out wonderfully for us. It'll take a little adjusting. 


My parents are preferring me to not to go back to work at Truetts. All last semester I only worked on Saturdays. That is all i would be able to work this semester, and it really never allowed me anytime to rest. I'm not saying that I need rest, and i didn't ask for them to support me even more. But my parents are wonderful. I struggled with feeling a little irresponsible by not having a job. But this will allow me even more study time. I won't explain how...but i'll just be able to manage my time better. They are so great. They really didn't have to allow me to only babysit this semester. I can't thank them enough for supporting me like they do. 


It was a little hard adjusting back into life here. I was excited to get back to SovHope, friends, and family. It has taken me 3 weeks to get back into the swing of things. The first week it was MORE of the physical aspect. I was VERY used to getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I got back home and was sleeping 8-9 and it was killing me. I just didn't feel good, I was getting a lot of headaches, and then i was just tired all of the time. It wasn't rest i was getting. I, also, was very used to being busy all day. So having a slowed paced day was weird. and then i was used to eating 3 meals a day, at the same time everyday. All of this just really made me feel yuck the first week i was back. But that is starting to get a lot better. I'm getting headaches a good bit. I still think that is just from the sleep schedule, but i'll get over it. I'm getting back in with the friends. I never realized how much Courtlynd and Jess make me LAUGH. belly laugh. I laughed a lot this summer. BUT court and jesse can make me laugh so hard that i cry. and that is just such a good feeling. HAHA! makes me laugh thinking about it. So yea, I spent a week with them and Courts family at the beach. that was good. So now i'm back here and starting to hang out with people more. I got really lonely at first, because at SWO, you are hanging out with people until 1am and you are NEVER alone. I mean, you have to try really hard to get awayyyyy. But here, I have this what now feels like a HUGE room and no one living with me upstairs. SO anyways, i was looking forward to getting back to community here (and I LOVE my community here, and i'm SO THANKFUL for it) but i didn't realize how much i loved living with everyone there. That was a weird adjustment. I'm somewhat back into the way things here work. I still miss 24/7 ministry. a lot. 


This past week has been a tough one. I'll share a weakness...time management. I down right STINK at managing my time. I mean, i guess i'm getting better at it. I suppose it's my "fly by the seat of my pants" mentality. although, i LOVE a schedule. Those two don't work together. Maybe something is wrong with me. But anyway, getting back to putting school at a high priority has been an adjustment. I know I need to glorify God through my schoolwork. But i want to pursue personal holiness, grow in the Lord, disciple, fellowship with other believers, share the gospel through relationships....and THEN i want to do school. Not to mention all of the other worldly things that i want to throw in there. and even just girly things that i was MADE to like and do. Sometimes, I just feel like school gets in the way, and i need to embrace this season of my life and thank God for where He has put me. I'm excited about building relationships with my clinical group and other students. I'm thankful for Christ's love coming through Court and I...and the encouragement that comes from other students being thankful for it and noticing it. But sometimes, I just don't want to do life how America (any many other countries) do life. But you know, God appointed my birth to be here. So i need to live with, I suppose. But back to my tough week. The Lord is disciplining me. He's showing me selfishness that I never saw in my heart. and it hurts. I can feel the battle between my flesh and the Spirit. This morning, I even woke up angry. And i didn't even know why!! Well, it was because I had a headache...but it was just a "mad at the world" kind of feeling. and THEN i was mad that i was mad. That's just not me....and it's surely not Christ!! So anyhoo, I found rest in my savior, prayed for whatever was trying to control my day to leave and went about my way. Praise God for the ability to cast my cares on Him. But yes, I'm thankful for the testing. How fitting that i've been studying James all summer. 


The other day in class, my teacher talked about a nurse who was married to a pastor and had 11 kids. The whole class started snickering or saying ooo, no way, or oh my.  Courtlynd looked over to me and said, "well, that's gonna be your life." It made me laugh. I don't know if God has those exact three things in store or not, but i'd be okay with it. haha!


So here I am...learning more and more about being a daughter of God and what Godly womanhood looks like. What the "radicals" look like. I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit, and how He won't get out of me. I'm thankful for a filter. I'm thankful that Mercy triumphs over judgement. I'm thankful for a desire to follow the command to take the Gospel to the ends of the earth, and I'm thankful for a church that is going to teach me how to do that and then send me out. I'm praying that God continues to show me His will for me to glorify Him in everything I do. I'm praying that He teaches me how to live for today, instead of worrying about tomorrow. I'm praying that I honor the Lord through nursing school, that i LOVE my fellow classmates like He does, and that I not hide the thing I live for from them. I pray that Christ consumes my every thought and that what He did for me dictates how I live this life that God has given me. 


Time to study some Nursing. 


Romans 11. 
how I long to remember this always. 



Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
 “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” 
“Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?”

 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.